


mirrors

by jollyharde



Category: Clarence (Cartoon)
Genre: Confusing, NPD, OCD, Other, Panic Attack, Platonic Relationships, Psychological, mood piece, narcicissm, nothing gross here just a kind of strange look into jeffs mind, really just a mood piece about how it feels to deal with narcissistic personality disorder and ocd, super hard to follow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 10:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15772659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jollyharde/pseuds/jollyharde
Summary: jeffrey has a sleepover at clarence's house, Sumo comforts his friend who seems out of it.





	mirrors

**Author's Note:**

> just a warning, this is very very confusing and hard to understand because it is a mood piece. thank you :)

I live on Salem Lane in Aberdale, Arizona.  
He ran his fingers along his wrist to gently prod at the pulse the roared in panic, assuming the touch would calm his queasy stomach and galloping heart.   
I live on Salem Lane in Aberdale, Arizona . My name is Jeff Randell. I’m in the eighth grade. I stay on routine, on schedule. I’m not like everyone else; I’m particular.   
Jeff’s throat contracted helplessly as he pulled back the tears and sob that dared to escape said throat. He felt his nose run but knew sniffing or getting up to do something about it would potentially awake one of his sleeping friends, Clarence’s mother, or Chad.   
I’m special.  
His strength quavered against him as he choked out a small cry, immediately biting the inside of his cheek to stop it from happening again. He laid, staring up at Clarence’s disastrous ceiling fan. He physically and mentally cringed from the sight and sat up. His hands trembled and his chest yearned to breathe, but Jeffrey stood, holding his breath like his life depended on it. And while it wasn’t his life that necessarily did, it was his dignity. Jeff had no problem with crying, but he did try to keep it private most times- especially when he was having an “episode” as the counsellor phrased it. The square hated this. He didn’t get emotional often but when he did, he found difficulty understanding what had originally triggered it.   
Jeff casted a cautious glance over at his friends who were sleeping comfortably on Clarence’s bed, both sleeping sideways with their feet hanging off the bed. He hadn’t any idea where their heads were as he couldn’t make out much as the mix of poor eye sight and the dark did not treat him well. He assumed they’d simply passed out though, because Sumo was not one to share beds anymore since he’d gotten to sleep on his own at home back in grade seven.   
Jeff recalled the morning that Sumo had alerted them. It was very exciting for him, clearly shown by the energy he had. As a growing boy, Sumo began to require more and more sleep and found difficulty doing so in a bed with multiple of his siblings. This resulted in both bad moods and tired Sumo’s nearly every day. But the day he came to school looking refreshed and showered (before school!) simply shocked Jeff. It was maybe the first day he began to empathize a little more with his friend. The particular boy could never imagine sleeping in a bed with another person- but Sumo had to deal with that all of the time. Jeffrey understood Sumo a little more that day.  
Turning his head to look around the dark bedroom, Jeff stood from his sleeping bag and dizzily grabbed the corner of their short friend’s desk. Clarence’s room hadn’t changed much other than him outgrowing his toys and becoming infatuated with video games and other miscellaneous hobbies that Jeff would still consider childish, even if his bedroom didn’t resemble the one of a child anymore. He’d gotten rid of the top bunk and while he was cleaner now, still left clothes and other stuff all over the carpeted floor of his room, his drawers and closet always left open. This only made things harder for Jeff to work with as he quietly snuck through the room, occasionally stepping on something he didn’t recognize and briefly panicking. This was a perfect time to escape to the bathroom and deal with himself, yet his body didn’t seem to want Jeff to succeed in his plan and let out a whimper in alarm as he stepped on something painful. Not sharp- but small and hard. Jeff inhaled sharply and felt the tears break though his willpower and spill over his cheeks, running alongside his nose and mouth. Nothing was going right tonight- and stepping on things he hadn’t planned on stepping on made things worse, let alone stepping on something painful.   
I am so scared. I don’t understand.  
Stuffing a few fingers into his mouth, Jeff bit down on them hard, praying it would stop him from making noise any further. The bottom of his foot throbbed as he opened the door quietly and made his way to the bathroom in a stiff fury of panic. Shutting the bathroom door behind him, the bundle of nerves scrambled to turn the light on and recalled that it was outside the bathroom. Why did those light-switches that are outside their designated rooms even exist? Jeff scowled. He was sure there was a valid reason but because of his luck so far, he hoped there wasn’t so he had more a reason to be upset. He needed to relax, though.  
Blindly navigating his way through the impossibly dark bathroom, Jeff found the sink and turned the tap on with a furious twist. Assuming the tap would block out any noise he made, he reached around and led himself to the toilet, and in a moment of luck, found the toilet paper with ease. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose as quietly as he could and then cleaned himself up by splashing some water in his face. The cold water basically stung at his swollen eyes. He wanted to cry. So bad. His throat felt as though something were stuck in it, forcing him not to. Jeff would’ve appreciated his body finally attempting to help him keep quiet if only he still wanted to be quiet. The square finally had the chance to weep, though quietly, and his body just wouldn’t. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes before exhaling shakily and turning the tap off. The need to cry had left, but now Jeff remained hurt. His feelings were pushed far into him and he stared at where he assumed the mirror was. He reached forward to confirm as though the mirror would suddenly be gone. He felt the glass beneath his finger tips and he frowned. The mirror was here. And he wasn’t sure why that shocked him so.   
“Oh, jeez.” Jeff spoke, his voice still wavering as he tried to keep quiet. This was embarrassing, even if no one saw him. He was in eighth grade and was crying alone by himself in his friend’s bathroom feeling for a mirror he, for some reason, thought was gone. But it was just so dark. Jeff wanted the mirror to be there so he could see himself. So he could talk to himself. And it was gone. Well, he, his reflection, was gone. Maybe the depth of the dark that hid it was what led him to be surprised that the mirror still existed. The idea of something being here, but him not able to see or connect with it in a way he preferred, sounded poetic to him. He’d have to remember this connection during his English’s poetry portion.   
Jeffrey nodded to himself and exhaled through his nose. After quickly washing his hands and confirming that his urge to cry had vacated, the block-boy made his way back to the door. His damp hand grabbed at the handle and Jeff opened the door with as much silence as a power tool. Or it seemed that way- to Jeff anyways, who was trying to be as silent as possible in order to not be quizzed on his adventure to the bathroom. If asked, he decided that his best bet, and most understandable answer, would be that he needed to use the restroom. No one asked, though. And Jeff made his way back to his sleeping back successfully.   
Comfortable again, Jeff quietly cleared his throat and shut his eyes. Sleep called to him, and he obliged, slipping into his unconscious warm state before he was awoken by a voice.   
“Jeff?”  
Feeling a cold sweat run over his back, Jeff inhaled deeply and turned himself to face the bed where his two friends were. One still snoring quietly, while the other continued to speak.   
“Jeff- don’t pretend to sleep. I’m not stupid.” Sumo half-whispered, half-spoke. He sounded unimpressed.   
Jeff sat up, already irritated by the conversation- by Sumo. Or- maybe he was simply upset because he’d been caught on his midnight retreat to go cry like a child. “Sumo, you didn’t give me a chance to answer the first time.” He answered, each word coming out as though he’d rehearsed it multiple times in his head. That’s just how Jeff spoke, though. Hardly any mistakes ever in his attempts to be blunt, sound cocky, or prove someone wrong. While it made him sound smarter- didn’t help that Jeff was really just an immature, full of himself teenager most times. Sumo could see though it and often called Jeffrey out on it, which irritated him. “Besides. I don’t pretend to sleep. “   
“You okay?”  
The question caught Jeff off-guard and he paused before breathing in. “No.” Jeff’s mouth had acted before he had a chance to save his dignity.   
“Do you want to talk about it, man? We can go outside. If you wanna.”   
Jeff felt his soul leaving his body. No! No! No! He didn’t want to talk about it. He had nothing to say.   
“Um.. I’m okay. Thanks, though, Sumo.” Jeff managed, voice cracking sadly. He wanted to stab himself in the hand for that. The sob formed in his throat again, this time, humiliation added to the force of his repressed emotions from before. He felt them push up and he clenched his jaw.   
There was a brief silence and Jeff’s mind attempted to figure out the cause before Sumo finally spoke. “Kay. Well-“  
“Sumo, I- I can’t talk to you. Not about this, it’s just something you would never understand.”  
The blond exhaled. “Jeff.”  
“I don’t even understand it, honestly.” Jeff gave a forced chuckle to lighten the mood and ended up whimpering.   
I live on Salem Lane in Aberdale, Arizona.   
Sumo went quiet, and Jeff knew it was because this was an awkward situation. Jeff wanted to sleep. He wanted to be alone. This felt so bad and the burning sensation in his throat worsened as he breathed. Jeffrey decided to hold his breath again.   
My name is Jeff Randell. I’m in the-  
“Jeff, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about something, though. It’s just good to talk when somethin’ bugs ya, y’know?” Sumo finally responded and Jeff felt anger pile onto the pressure in his throat and tears spark at his eyes.  
He had interrupted Jeff. Intentionally, and Jeff didn’t like when his thoughts were spoken over. Why did Sumo interrupt his thoughts? Didn’t he know Jeff needed to reassure himself?  
The square shook his head violently and he rubbed his face. What? What am I thinking? It’s fine. Sumo didn’t know I was thinking. It’s fine. It’s fine. It was an accident and Sumo did nothing wrong. Jeff told himself, calming down. There is no way Sumo was trying to speak over my thoughts- because he can’t hear them. He can’t. He was only talking to me- he’s trying to help. He can’t hear me though. Oh, God, please. Please. My name is Jeff Randell- I’m in the- I’m in the eighth grade. Can you hear me? Please help me, Sumo, please talk to me.  
Silent fell upon the room and Jeff stared desperately in Sumo’s direction, waiting desperately for Sumo to answer his mind. But of course, he didn’t. Sumo was real. Not someone in his head who could hear his thoughts. And that scared Jeff. Someone who he had no control over. Someone he felt embarrassed to cry in front of. Sumo was a person. And Jeff registered that. Of course- he knew Sumo was a person, but in his emotional, tired state, he finally took the idea and thought about it. Not only was he alive, so was Sumo. Sumo was- Sumo- Sumo was real. And he wanted to talk to him. He wanted it. Sumo wanted to talk to him. Like how Jeff wanted buddy stars as a kid in elementary school, or how he wanted to clean. Sumo wanted things to. And knowing Sumo, if he didn’t want to do something, he didn’t do it. Sumo was just a different person who lived a different lifestyle- but he still, for the most part, functioned like a person would. He had emotions, likes and dislikes, and a family. How.. peculiar. Jeff knew all of these things- but never had he.. understood them. Never had the neat-freak thought that Sumo was the narrator of his own story.   
“Jeff?” Sumo spoke again, this time, confused by the long silence.   
Jeff blinked and continued to stare, dumbfounded, at where he suspected Sumo to be sitting. “What- what did you say?” He asked, snapping back to reality.   
He heard a sigh and Sumo shift around on the bed. “You can talk if you need to. It’s good to talk.” The blond summarized.   
Staring into the black room surrounding him, Jeff felt his chest relax with a long exhale. When had he started breathing again? When had the urge to cry left?   
“Okay. Thank you Sumo.” Jeff answered quietly. He felt relaxed. Sumo was his friend. A wonderful one. Why had it taken so long for him to notice that?   
Silence dwelled for a few minutes. “You’re a good person, Ryan.”  
More silence.   
“Goodnight Jeff.”  
Jeffrey smiled and he shut his eyes, comfort taking him.

He loved Sumo dearly.


End file.
